Dear Old Knudsen
Hi, to cut a long story short i'm 18 and bored of my girlfriend, we've been seriously together for 13 months and she doesn't have anyone else apart from me.
I love her but she holds me back and i just don't feel attracted to her anymore and the sex is dull.
How can I let her down without hurting her or me? It seems like a catch 22 as I tried before and couldn't bear it so got back together. help is deeply needed!
John from Devon
Dear John
First you should go to a back bone shop and get yerself one. Introduce her to some of yer friends and maybe a three-way might make things a bit more exciting for you or just watch her shag one of yer mates.
Don't waste yer time on this gurl just get everything you can off her, you know, BJ's , Rusty trombones, Hot lunches on yer chest and Boob jobs and then dump her.
If you don't want to hurt her feelings then tough shit just use the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line, say you want to stay friends and then never call her again. Oh and make sure you get lots of naked pictures and send some my way like a good lad.
Like Totally Thinking With My Twat
Dear Old Knudsen
ok.... i liked this guy ever since primary school but then sometime in high school i met this boy in my maths class who is really nice and cute. then i started crushing on himbut then some girl found out and told him and he freaked so i didnt like him much anymore. then i started liking the primary school guy again and it went perfect until my ex-best friend told him that i like him(i told her when she was my friend) and he supposedly said that he wasnt interested. but i really cant trust my ex best friend.Then of all the things the guy in my maths class starts mentioning that he likes me and i am a good friend when we barely know each other. i dont know whether he likes me or not. but now i think i like him again.(he is still awfully cute) i like both of them though i dont know if the primary one really said he wasnt interested. my mind is so confused. HELP?!
Jenna Sussex
Dear Jenna
Tell this to yer parents and beg them to slap you, don't trust anyone, no even yerself. Then stop lusting after cock so much and study yer school work and get good grades. There is plenty of time to indulge yer sluttish ways and get pregnant when you leave school and get a good job, and go put some clothes on ya little tramp.
ok.... i liked this guy ever since primary school but then sometime in high school i met this boy in my maths class who is really nice and cute. then i started crushing on himbut then some girl found out and told him and he freaked so i didnt like him much anymore. then i started liking the primary school guy again and it went perfect until my ex-best friend told him that i like him(i told her when she was my friend) and he supposedly said that he wasnt interested. but i really cant trust my ex best friend.Then of all the things the guy in my maths class starts mentioning that he likes me and i am a good friend when we barely know each other. i dont know whether he likes me or not. but now i think i like him again.(he is still awfully cute) i like both of them though i dont know if the primary one really said he wasnt interested. my mind is so confused. HELP?!
Jenna Sussex
Dear Jenna
Tell this to yer parents and beg them to slap you, don't trust anyone, no even yerself. Then stop lusting after cock so much and study yer school work and get good grades. There is plenty of time to indulge yer sluttish ways and get pregnant when you leave school and get a good job, and go put some clothes on ya little tramp.
Mj Needs Help
Why do they call it a wake when clearly the body is not awake?
When men die, does rigor mortis set into their willies?
Thank you, MJ
Dear ever hopeful MJ
The English word "wake" cums from the Indo-European "wog" or "weg," which evolved into the word "watch" or to guard as the body was usually still in the hoose at the time of the wake it was like a viewing and to prove the cunt was really dead.
Only with certain broken back injuries will the willy be erect but not for long, rigor mortis will not set into their willys the way you'd like it too as its the heart that pumps blood into the penis to be erect but the bowels will be released if you like that sort of thing.
Update from a doctor acquaintance :
When I was at medical school the cadavers we dissected in anatomy lessons all had raging boners; the male ones, anyway. It was because of the embalming fluid. Gravity, however, had caused said members to bend sideways.
When men die, does rigor mortis set into their willies?
Thank you, MJ
Dear ever hopeful MJ
The English word "wake" cums from the Indo-European "wog" or "weg," which evolved into the word "watch" or to guard as the body was usually still in the hoose at the time of the wake it was like a viewing and to prove the cunt was really dead.
Only with certain broken back injuries will the willy be erect but not for long, rigor mortis will not set into their willys the way you'd like it too as its the heart that pumps blood into the penis to be erect but the bowels will be released if you like that sort of thing.
Update from a doctor acquaintance :
When I was at medical school the cadavers we dissected in anatomy lessons all had raging boners; the male ones, anyway. It was because of the embalming fluid. Gravity, however, had caused said members to bend sideways.
Reading Minds
Q: I've heard tales of your psychic powers.If you can read minds, then tell me what I'm thinking right now.
I would also like to know what some of the other bloggers are thinking.
Especially Eddie Waring and Manuel.
MJ Stenchtrench Canada
Dear MJ
My powers are not to be used for frivolous acts of frivolity, how can I exist on a higher plane than everyone else when cunts like you are dragging me into the minds of primitives ? now I know how God feels when needy fuckers pray to him.
What you are thinking at the time of this writing is, "tits, sucking Fenian cock, insulting Piggy and shooting up between yer toes so no one sees the marks."
I made the mistake of going into Eddie's and Manuel's mind once.
One Saturday 3am LA time Eddie must have been pursuing his hobby of ornithology as he was obsessed with getting a look at some great tits .
When I traveled into Manuel's mind I believe he was in the act of having sex with some person or thing. He was having trouble climaxing until he remembered the large tip given to him by an American tourist earlier in the day, that released his blockage and I was in a coma for 3 days.
I shall never again go to those depraved minds, did you know Eddie enjoys spitting and screaming insults while love making and Manuel asks if everything was to their satisfaction? it never is, one track mind those two lads have, disgusting.
Firstnations Obsesses about her dried midget collection and spying on neighbours having sex .
Paddy searches for his purple talking Unicorn without trying to appear crazy as he is on his last warning for the nut hoose.
I would also like to know what some of the other bloggers are thinking.
Especially Eddie Waring and Manuel.
MJ Stenchtrench Canada
Dear MJ
My powers are not to be used for frivolous acts of frivolity, how can I exist on a higher plane than everyone else when cunts like you are dragging me into the minds of primitives ? now I know how God feels when needy fuckers pray to him.
What you are thinking at the time of this writing is, "tits, sucking Fenian cock, insulting Piggy and shooting up between yer toes so no one sees the marks."
I made the mistake of going into Eddie's and Manuel's mind once.
One Saturday 3am LA time Eddie must have been pursuing his hobby of ornithology as he was obsessed with getting a look at some great tits .
When I traveled into Manuel's mind I believe he was in the act of having sex with some person or thing. He was having trouble climaxing until he remembered the large tip given to him by an American tourist earlier in the day, that released his blockage and I was in a coma for 3 days.
I shall never again go to those depraved minds, did you know Eddie enjoys spitting and screaming insults while love making and Manuel asks if everything was to their satisfaction? it never is, one track mind those two lads have, disgusting.
Firstnations Obsesses about her dried midget collection and spying on neighbours having sex .
Paddy searches for his purple talking Unicorn without trying to appear crazy as he is on his last warning for the nut hoose.
Study Finds Fenian Cocksucking Contributes To Diabetes
Is Fenian cocksucking part of a healthy, well-balanced diet?
Mary Jane Canada
Dear Mary Jane
I asked my friend and mentor Free Presbyterian minister and First Minister of Northern Ireland the Reverend Doctor Professor Ian Paisley yer question as he has had much more experience than I and he replied via a satellite link from his home in Malibu, "NO!" I did not want press the matter further but theres yer answer.
Mary Jane Canada
Dear Mary Jane
I asked my friend and mentor Free Presbyterian minister and First Minister of Northern Ireland the Reverend Doctor Professor Ian Paisley yer question as he has had much more experience than I and he replied via a satellite link from his home in Malibu, "NO!" I did not want press the matter further but theres yer answer.
Not So Fresh Feeling
I'm experiencing an "unusual and prolonged wet period" from reading your blog. Is that global warming?
Mary Jane Canada
Dear Mary Jane
Yer stench trench is oozing and secreting due to yer sinful thoughts. You should immediately go to a Protestant preacher for intensive scripture study and cut doon on the drinking and stop picking at it.
Global Warming isn't real but wet gunties are.
Mary Jane Canada
Dear Mary Jane
Yer stench trench is oozing and secreting due to yer sinful thoughts. You should immediately go to a Protestant preacher for intensive scripture study and cut doon on the drinking and stop picking at it.
Global Warming isn't real but wet gunties are.
A Little Angel.
I think Lucifer is a beautiful name with beautiful meaning (morning star) do you think its a good name for my baby ?
Mary Jane Canada
Dear Mary Jane
Its as good a name as any , plenty of folks name their kids Jesus or John, in fact Bible names are very popular. I've known the odd Damien (very odd I might add) and even Jonah. Those who call their kids Rainbow, Destiny or Britany should be put to death. Theres actually a guy who works doon chip shop named Belezeebub, a lovely bloke. If you want to know what names are not acceptable for children just look at what celebrities name their sprogs.
Mary Jane Canada
Dear Mary Jane
Its as good a name as any , plenty of folks name their kids Jesus or John, in fact Bible names are very popular. I've known the odd Damien (very odd I might add) and even Jonah. Those who call their kids Rainbow, Destiny or Britany should be put to death. Theres actually a guy who works doon chip shop named Belezeebub, a lovely bloke. If you want to know what names are not acceptable for children just look at what celebrities name their sprogs.
Weemen Are Never Happy
My husband is almost 60 and has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He says its all poppycock. He doesn't believe in psychologists or psychiatrists.
The psychologist who made the diagnosis said it could be treated with behavioural changes. My husband refuses to change. He says hes fine the way he is and if others don't like it then its their problem. Its been my problem for 37 years. I just didn't have a name for it.
Suffering wife in Watford
Dear Suffering
Yer husband is right it is all bollocks, there is no such thing as assburgers, if someone wants to be odd then or maybe a bit slow then they are odd and slow nothing medical about it. I know someone who claims assburgers and could never get adult jokes, she was just a humourless mong. Why should he change? you weemen always want to change the men you marry, if you don't like it you should have divorced him 37 years ago, gurn up ya silly bint.
The psychologist who made the diagnosis said it could be treated with behavioural changes. My husband refuses to change. He says hes fine the way he is and if others don't like it then its their problem. Its been my problem for 37 years. I just didn't have a name for it.
Suffering wife in Watford
Dear Suffering
Yer husband is right it is all bollocks, there is no such thing as assburgers, if someone wants to be odd then or maybe a bit slow then they are odd and slow nothing medical about it. I know someone who claims assburgers and could never get adult jokes, she was just a humourless mong. Why should he change? you weemen always want to change the men you marry, if you don't like it you should have divorced him 37 years ago, gurn up ya silly bint.
I am dating dating "Scott" a wonderful man. We are both divorced and have children from our previous marriages. Scotts two adolescent children live with him . My only child is on her own. Scott and I want to marry, and his two children approve. When I spend weekends at his home he seems to have no rules.
Scotts bedroom is next to the family room and his kids stay there well past 11 pm most nights. Scotts tells them they should be in bed but they ignore him and keep the TV blaring. Scott leaves the door open until they all go to bed even if we have to be up early for work the next day. I am usually too exhausted for intimacy. the entire arrangement makes me angry. I have told Scott if we are to be married there must be changes, he then accuses me of picking on his kids saying i don't really love them. Scott wants me to cook and clean but have no say in the household. I feel like an outsider, when his teenage son brings his girlfriend around I have to go into another room. I don't want to live like this any suggestions?
Not sure in the west country.
Dear Not sure in the west country
Get out now, Scott is a twat. He feels so guilty at having gotten divorced that he won't dare discipline his kids as he thinks they have been through enough. He doesn't see you as an equal so say Scott yer a dick I'm off, hire yerself a hoose keeper cos that's all you want.
Leaving the room so his son can have some alone time? fuck off I bet he lets them drink in the hoose because its better them doing it there than somewhere else, fuck those idiots annoy me, the cool buddy parent type. get out before yer kid ends up like them.
If you must stay then you have to beat the shit out of Scott in front of the kids to show yer dominance and then lay doon the law.
Scotts bedroom is next to the family room and his kids stay there well past 11 pm most nights. Scotts tells them they should be in bed but they ignore him and keep the TV blaring. Scott leaves the door open until they all go to bed even if we have to be up early for work the next day. I am usually too exhausted for intimacy. the entire arrangement makes me angry. I have told Scott if we are to be married there must be changes, he then accuses me of picking on his kids saying i don't really love them. Scott wants me to cook and clean but have no say in the household. I feel like an outsider, when his teenage son brings his girlfriend around I have to go into another room. I don't want to live like this any suggestions?
Not sure in the west country.
Dear Not sure in the west country
Get out now, Scott is a twat. He feels so guilty at having gotten divorced that he won't dare discipline his kids as he thinks they have been through enough. He doesn't see you as an equal so say Scott yer a dick I'm off, hire yerself a hoose keeper cos that's all you want.
Leaving the room so his son can have some alone time? fuck off I bet he lets them drink in the hoose because its better them doing it there than somewhere else, fuck those idiots annoy me, the cool buddy parent type. get out before yer kid ends up like them.
If you must stay then you have to beat the shit out of Scott in front of the kids to show yer dominance and then lay doon the law.
A Little Too Tight
My heart is aching. I have been married for 40 years who most people think is a saint . Hes good to me, provides well, helps around the house and is kind and considerate. His children and grandchildren love him.
So whats my problem? He looks at porn on the computer on a regular basis. I suspect he is gratifying himself watching these computer sluts.
I can't eat or sleep, I cry myself to sleep. If I bring it up he'll deny it and be more devious. Is it adultery when a man watches porn? I feel like he is cheating on me. Am I overreacting?
Depressed
Dear Depressed
Was I ever married to you? do you get dressed/undressed with the lights off and only have sex in one position? Do you think having a good time is staying up to 8.30pm drinking tea? for fucks sake if that's all you have to complain about then yer a nit picker. get a boob job, tummy tuck and a pair of crotchless panties, change the weekly cuddle night to blowjob and fingering night and maybe you should also start drinking cos yer a boring old shite.
No it isn't adultery you silly bint, its staving off the boredom that is you, when you get a STD from him wanking off to computer sluts let me know. Also how dare you judge those sluts, they have rent to pay too.
So whats my problem? He looks at porn on the computer on a regular basis. I suspect he is gratifying himself watching these computer sluts.
I can't eat or sleep, I cry myself to sleep. If I bring it up he'll deny it and be more devious. Is it adultery when a man watches porn? I feel like he is cheating on me. Am I overreacting?
Depressed
Dear Depressed
Was I ever married to you? do you get dressed/undressed with the lights off and only have sex in one position? Do you think having a good time is staying up to 8.30pm drinking tea? for fucks sake if that's all you have to complain about then yer a nit picker. get a boob job, tummy tuck and a pair of crotchless panties, change the weekly cuddle night to blowjob and fingering night and maybe you should also start drinking cos yer a boring old shite.
No it isn't adultery you silly bint, its staving off the boredom that is you, when you get a STD from him wanking off to computer sluts let me know. Also how dare you judge those sluts, they have rent to pay too.
Suspicious Minds
I am a 20 something female , working as a receptionist at a place that has a constant stream of people coming in. I say "Hi how are you?" to everyone and enjoy talking to the customers. About a year ago, some nasty women started accusing me of sleeping with several married men in my town, because I was seen talking to them at my job.
I was horrified when I was confronted by one woman whose husband I was supposedly sleeping with.
My boyfriend is the only person I have ever been with and it makes me so mad. Fortunately he doesn't believe any of these rumours.
I am so upset by the whole thing and have tried to talk to the woman who confronted me but she won't speak to me.
How can I get people to stop talking about me and making up these nasty rumours?
Horrified in Arbroath
Dear Horrified
It must be really tough for you, maybe you should be a bit more discreet, c'mon I believed you until I saw you were from Arbroath, ya dirty slapper you are none other than the 'Arbroath Rimmer' home wrecker extraordinaire you mean you don't remember me from 2004? I called myself 'Clive' you said I had the sexiest hemorrhoids you had ever seen.
My advice to you would be to have yer boyfriend defend yer honour and have him kill these big mouthed weemen and then arrange for him to leave a note about why he did it and kill the twat making it look like suicide or you could just move to another town and start rimming a fresh. Oh and why did you never phone me? did I do something wrong when I declared that I loved you have way through a rimming?
I was horrified when I was confronted by one woman whose husband I was supposedly sleeping with.
My boyfriend is the only person I have ever been with and it makes me so mad. Fortunately he doesn't believe any of these rumours.
I am so upset by the whole thing and have tried to talk to the woman who confronted me but she won't speak to me.
How can I get people to stop talking about me and making up these nasty rumours?
Horrified in Arbroath
Dear Horrified
It must be really tough for you, maybe you should be a bit more discreet, c'mon I believed you until I saw you were from Arbroath, ya dirty slapper you are none other than the 'Arbroath Rimmer' home wrecker extraordinaire you mean you don't remember me from 2004? I called myself 'Clive' you said I had the sexiest hemorrhoids you had ever seen.
My advice to you would be to have yer boyfriend defend yer honour and have him kill these big mouthed weemen and then arrange for him to leave a note about why he did it and kill the twat making it look like suicide or you could just move to another town and start rimming a fresh. Oh and why did you never phone me? did I do something wrong when I declared that I loved you have way through a rimming?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)