Confused On The Small-Screen

Dear Ask Knudsen

I went to the video rental shop and got 2 popular current US rentals and "In Bruges". Me wife thought "In Bruges" was a little too "Britishey" where should I take her on our next holiday?


For fucks sake what am I yer video reviewer now? Whats wrong with British? Have you not seen Layer Cake and Shaun of the dead?

I believe that Ben Stiller may just be the second coming and how ironic that hes Jewish. Watch Tropic Thunder if you haven't seen it. Or you could just watch British films without yer wife.

If she has those racist inclinations then Braveheart and The Patriot are up her alley as lots of Brits (or rather English) get killed.

There is this great Welsh movie just out, just my wee joke nothing good ever came out of Wales.

Old Knudsen

Apple Crumble

Dear Ask Knudsen

I am female and I have an obvious Adam's apple.

I never had it protruding as a child, but it started appearing when I had turned 14 years of age. Some of my friends noticed my "manly" feature whenever I would raise my chin. I felt unfeminine, but don't think I was a tomboy. I just felt so embarrassed through the years. Until this day, I imagine ideas that will stop it from looking like I was born a male and had recently had a sex change.

Never had I encountered another women who has it like me. Can you tell me what might or might've been my cause? Please answer my question.

Manly in New York

Dear Manly

The Adam's apple is merely a cartilage in the throat some people have them bigger or smaller than others.
Maybe you should grow yer hair longer and stop wearing plaid shirts people might not think about the sex change thing.

Just to be sure check that you don't have a willy my readers can be a bit thick at times.

You can have plastic surgery to reduce it though it may leave a scar and change yer voice or you can stop being so shallow and who the fuck cares about it as long as you suck cock and pretend to enjoy it?

Depressing Boyfriend

Dear Old Knudsen

I think my boyfriend is very depressed..I think if I told him what I thought he would be very upset and angry.What do I do ?

Steve, Galway

Dear Steve

How the fuck can you have a boyfriend when you yerself are a bloke? oh shit I've got it now yer a poofter. Ok yer boyfriend is depressed because yer not a woman and yer Irish.
You can't do anything about being Irish but you can get yer boyfriend to a Protestant minister to pray for him and make him straight, if you loved him you'd want this as weemen are better in bed than men, or so I've heard.
It says in the Bible that God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, he also made Lilith but that's another story. You should also get Protestant help, there is no reason why you shouldn't be trapped in a loveless marriage like everyone else I mean this is the 21 st century.

Boring Gurlfriend

Dear Old Knudsen

Hi, to cut a long story short i'm 18 and bored of my girlfriend, we've been seriously together for 13 months and she doesn't have anyone else apart from me.
I love her but she holds me back and i just don't feel attracted to her anymore and the sex is dull.
How can I let her down without hurting her or me? It seems like a catch 22 as I tried before and couldn't bear it so got back together. help is deeply needed!

John from Devon

Dear John

First you should go to a back bone shop and get yerself one. Introduce her to some of yer friends and maybe a three-way might make things a bit more exciting for you or just watch her shag one of yer mates.
Don't waste yer time on this gurl just get everything you can off her, you know, BJ's , Rusty trombones, Hot lunches on yer chest and Boob jobs and then dump her.
If you don't want to hurt her feelings then tough shit just use the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line, say you want to stay friends and then never call her again. Oh and make sure you get lots of naked pictures and send some my way like a good lad.

Like Totally Thinking With My Twat

Dear Old Knudsen

ok.... i liked this guy ever since primary school but then sometime in high school i met this boy in my maths class who is really nice and cute. then i started crushing on himbut then some girl found out and told him and he freaked so i didnt like him much anymore. then i started liking the primary school guy again and it went perfect until my ex-best friend told him that i like him(i told her when she was my friend) and he supposedly said that he wasnt interested. but i really cant trust my ex best friend.Then of all the things the guy in my maths class starts mentioning that he likes me and i am a good friend when we barely know each other. i dont know whether he likes me or not. but now i think i like him again.(he is still awfully cute) i like both of them though i dont know if the primary one really said he wasnt interested. my mind is so confused. HELP?!

Jenna Sussex

Dear Jenna

Tell this to yer parents and beg them to slap you, don't trust anyone, no even yerself. Then stop lusting after cock so much and study yer school work and get good grades. There is plenty of time to indulge yer sluttish ways and get pregnant when you leave school and get a good job, and go put some clothes on ya little tramp.

Mj Needs Help

Why do they call it a wake when clearly the body is not awake?

When men die, does rigor mortis set into their willies?

Thank you, MJ

Dear ever hopeful MJ

The English word "wake" cums from the Indo-European "wog" or "weg," which evolved into the word "watch" or to guard as the body was usually still in the hoose at the time of the wake it was like a viewing and to prove the cunt was really dead.

Only with certain broken back injuries will the willy be erect but not for long, rigor mortis will not set into their willys the way you'd like it too as its the heart that pumps blood into the penis to be erect but the bowels will be released if you like that sort of thing.

Update from a doctor acquaintance :

When I was at medical school the cadavers we dissected in anatomy lessons all had raging boners; the male ones, anyway. It was because of the embalming fluid. Gravity, however, had caused said members to bend sideways.

Reading Minds

Q: I've heard tales of your psychic powers.If you can read minds, then tell me what I'm thinking right now.

I would also like to know what some of the other bloggers are thinking.

Especially Eddie Waring and Manuel.

MJ Stenchtrench Canada

Dear MJ

My powers are not to be used for frivolous acts of frivolity, how can I exist on a higher plane than everyone else when cunts like you are dragging me into the minds of primitives ? now I know how God feels when needy fuckers pray to him.

What you are thinking at the time of this writing is, "tits, sucking Fenian cock, insulting Piggy and shooting up between yer toes so no one sees the marks."

I made the mistake of going into Eddie's and Manuel's mind once.

One Saturday 3am LA time Eddie must have been pursuing his hobby of ornithology as he was obsessed with getting a look at some great tits .

When I traveled into Manuel's mind I believe he was in the act of having sex with some person or thing. He was having trouble climaxing until he remembered the large tip given to him by an American tourist earlier in the day, that released his blockage and I was in a coma for 3 days.

I shall never again go to those depraved minds, did you know Eddie enjoys spitting and screaming insults while love making and Manuel asks if everything was to their satisfaction? it never is, one track mind those two lads have, disgusting.

Firstnations Obsesses about her dried midget collection and spying on neighbours having sex .

Paddy searches for his purple talking Unicorn without trying to appear crazy as he is on his last warning for the nut hoose.